The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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