My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Randomize
