so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
