Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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