She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
