your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
