Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize