There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
