tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
