when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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