I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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