how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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