The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
