Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
