she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
