We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize