The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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