When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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