I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
FUCK WHALES
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize