Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
