I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
