worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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