i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
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