You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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