i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
