I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
