I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
