If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
