I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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