I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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