I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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