You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize