the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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