Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
