guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
