a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Even my vagina gasped.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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