You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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