we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
