This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
