Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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