need another drink. this is the easiest way
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
