My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
