Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
