I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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