Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
