My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
