Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
