you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
