My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm bleeding and have questions
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
