'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
