I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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