12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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