apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
