we have officially lost it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
