tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
