Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
