I didn't shave. On purpose
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Drunk is not a location!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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