I seem to have left my pride at pride
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The uberlube is also flammable
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
