I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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