Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
