Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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