Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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