I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
