apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
