I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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