You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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