You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
